Are
you accepting your circumstances as your reality? Are you
accepting defeat? Do you even know what it is you are accepting or
giving up? These are questions that have become apparent
to me once again as I question which side of the mental line I am on.
Rather like an umpire deciding where the games lines are going to be
moved to today and how many times those lines and goal post will be
redirected during the game. Let alone on which field and what game
you are playing today.
You
have heard of the voice of consciousness? A parrot on your
shoulder? The voice of reason? Your unconscious brain not
working in harmony with the concious brain. When you are
"Living with High Functioning Autism" there is an extra set
of factors influencing your choices and these factors are the greasy
oil being poured along the walls of your reality. So much so that
each decision is compounded by illusive factors not always
known to the unconscious brain. The reality of this reality is
that the subconscious is awash with this greasy oily film - [visual
description here]. Now the subconscious has to reach out to the
conscious parts of the brain and 'hang on' for dear life.
Needless
to say that action causes a reaction. The subconscious
brain is a very old part of the humans make-up. The primary
purpose is set to 'protect mode' constantly overriding the sensory
overload switch and three things happen here-
- Fight
- Stay
- Flight
.As
such it will always try to 'offer' guidance to the conscious brain.
Now what happens when the conscious brain has to carry the
subconscious brain? Okay maybe this does not happen this way
scientifically. The questions still stands as the game plan
changes in any game. However within "My Incredible
Journey" somehow the lines and boundaries have constantly
changed. More so since as my life on the Autism Spectrum has
been confounded and confused since February 1991 of total memory
loss. That is when a gravel truck with trailer from the Orbost
Shire Council impacted onto the right side of the Nissan Urvan I
happened to have just started and was changing from first gear to
second [ that is travelling at 2 km]. So just casually throw in
Post Traumatic Shock Syndrome into the undiagnosed Autism Spectrum
Disorder and you now have a person [ me] living in a reality that is
beautiful and not real. That was the long term result of an
immediate close down switch off effect. Many years later the
actual High Functional Autism trait of a complete meltdown occurred.
At least prior to this melt down I had sort and received
assistance from Danny
Blackford. assistance - a Behaviour Psychologist. Danny
pre-warned me that these things would keep bubbling up. Before
they got to a melt down go and revisit him. Both these actions
were thankfully done. At that meltdown point though I was
dealing with another kind of pain. Effectively workplace
torture was the trigger factor that lit the keg if which then things
imploded.
Thankfully
another trait is the High Functioning Autistic trait of having a high
pain threshold combined with repetition factors. many people
see these as just rocking backwards and forwards. Not so. How
many times have you suddenly become aware that time has moved on and
you are still in the same mind space? Just pushing an online
button? Must admit that the micro blog site Twitter tends to
not like this repetitive action. In fact Twitter limit the amount of
any straight re tweets that you can have in any one given period
without a few tweets of your own going through. Or they suspend your
account and that really hurts.
Your
reality is being reprogrammed as you read !
Everything
that goes into is recorded as true. The subconscious knows not
different. Should you be brought up being a 'victim' mentality then
that is what your brain is going to respond to. The challenge
with High Functioning Autism is that
a)
there is some part of you that remains a child. You are not
totally Autistic and you are not non-Autistic. You are
somewhere in the middle.. on the Autistic Spectrum.
b)
you do but you do not comprehend. Take reading a book for
instance you read every word in that book and have you comprehended
what was said. Are you able to draw from your experiences ,
skills and knowledge parallels with what is being stated and what
needs to be actually done? Is there a time delay factor at play? A
bottle neck/ Have you just hit sensory overload? What is
you behaviours like? Is it erratic? Are you driving people crazy
while at the same time trying to isolate yourself.
For
myself when I hit this type of thing my survival mode is 'sleep'. In
an emergency though it is different. A cool calm person is switched
on and like a person wearing a uniform the job is done. Everyone is
safe and through to the end. The precusier is that of irritating head
aches,sore eyes, higher blood pressure, extremely variable behaviours
and irritated sleep patterns.
Now
meltdown can occur. I deep sleep for a few hours to a days.
However this was not always so. After walking away from the
last place of employment it too me a few months of intermittent deep
sleep periods but then I slept the days and nights away for about 6
months. In between times I actually lost time. I do remember
still keeping a running journal though and that I found helpful.
might not be able to read a lot of what is in there as there are so
many different handwritings - even on the same page- even I wonder
who wrote them down.
With
the total memory loss associated
with the Post Traumatic Shock Syndrome what was a normal reality
anyway? It took over seven years to feel as though I had walked a
day totally on this earth. Talk about head in the clouds.
Actually
writing this I have just realised what our oldest daughter meant when
she stated years later that she learned how to cook with a wood fired
chip heater as she never knew if I was awake or not.... a matter of survival for her as se was seven and hungry. Everything had to be cooked from basics since there was no fridge or freezer. Making the bread was a daily exercise and eveyryone joined in. Creativity rained [ and so did the flour]. Her Brownie cooking and hostess badge were among the first earned.
This really has got me thinking about how much was missing as a care giver and a mother to my children as I operated in constant sleep mode. Years later I left driving taxis as I was oncall 120 hours aweek. Effectively this meant that I was the equilivant of being near dead with alcoloism. Took a while to realise it and that is when something happened at work and I left. I knew at that point of my life I could not be trusted behind a wheel. Literally what was happening again was I was opperating in a near sleep mode. This I think triggered off the meltdown that did occur. Read further.
There were
times that I woke up an fed the baby without knowing how it got there.
This at the time I put down to literally sleep walking and
bringing the baby to bed with me.
Please
remember that at this point of our lives we were in isolated Victoria
mountain rangers. There were no neighbours and our one trip out
with a car would be Sunday to the nearest Church as we home schooled
and our oldest child did Lone Brownie Guides [ 7 year old Girl
Scouts] by correspondence.. And a two weekly trip nearly 200km round
trip away to go to the library and pick up supplies. If My Husband
could not get home due to the weather [ snow, rain, floods or bush
fires] we were stuck.
As
time went on the next year the two oldest children went to a day
school via a bus. By that time a second car was on the road.
Once a week the Brownie Guides was now attended .
Please
note: I
have chosen to leave this above revelation in as to show you how
memories can surface at the oddest of times when the pathway you are
working through does not cause you to go through the firewall of
pain. Welcome to my world. What you do not see is me
actually becoming aware that I am rocking backwards an forwards
while I am struggling to write these thought as well as release the
hurt both from remembered pain and the buzzing within my head. The
funny thing is I never realised I rocked..... back to proof reading
this...and yes I am still rocking back wards and forwards.
On
this note after the impact
I was still coming out in bruising six weeks later. I know that
date as that is when I finally had a doctors appointment and he
reluctantly sent me for a hip xray. Not because of a car
accident [ nor as I was unknowingly pregnant] but because this doctor
did not want to waste the Australian health care systems money on
someone who was obviously an itinerant foreign worker [ of which we
were permanent residences of Australia and we had had a business of
painting faces and selling balloons. Besides the Orbost Shire
Hospital had written that my husband had beaten me up. That was
the first I knew about physical violence apparently occurring. The
only physical violence that ever occurred was one Orbost Shire
Council truck and trailer driven by a 'permanent drunk' who happened
to be related to the policeman on the screen of the accident. Forgive
has occurred. Forget as you see takes a while longer as when
you are coming out of that deepest memory loss you are forced to just
keep remembering and dealing with the consequences. You learn
to accept the here and now. Reprogramme the brain to accept
what ifs and would it be nice if's is not a survival mode tool. One
of the hardest things for me too do was to sit don and come up with
100 things to include on a bucket list. To complete the list
took weeks.
The
reality was that right
after impact there were three children between the ages of 7 years
and 18 months [they were ours] and one man [ my husband of 12 years]
I did not know. Oh and then I was / got pregnant too. One car [
a Datsun 2000 which is just bigger than a mini minor] two tailors and
one totally wreaked Nissan Urvan. Interesting set of circumstances.
What
showed profusely was that the subconscious brain is wired to survive.
Many things are then done on an 'intuitive level'. You
may have done / read / watch / heard about things before and you
simply do them and not realise that is what has happened.
Effectively for myself it was a case of bypassing the firewall
that now existed between the now and the then. To access the
then I found ways to bypass the firewall of pain. To go back
through pain circumstances is not in a persons wiring apparently.
Think about placing your hand in a flame. As a youngster
you would have become rapidly aware of flames burn. Burns are
painful. The pain threshold developed in people causes you to
literally think twice before you re-do that action.
Then
how do people achieve the ability to walk on fire coals with bear
feet? They circumvent the remembered survival pain. The SFM
training revived thus far has described how the conscious brain and
the subconscious are brought together to work in harmony with each
other
Bringing
this to the here and now of about 6 weeks ago this is what I wrote in
my virtual journal.
“How
badly do you want it?”
These
are powerful words. They say that when there is a time that is right
the teacher will come. For me this teach is an opportunity to
learn through a proven educational and resource system. Check out the
buttons on the side of this blog.
Please
remember that this is posted in retrospect.
"Powerful
words that less than twelve hours ago I read. Then since it was after
midnight I went to bed. Now it is 5 hours later and I am rereading
this email.
Between
then and now I have had a major mindset change
.
Here’s
the quick version.
One
month ago a family friend wanted to borrow my car for 4 days. His had
been stolen then written off. The 4 days has turned now into 6 weeks
by the time I have access to my car again.
2
days ago a 4x4 drove forward in a car park and badly damaged my
vehicles door. Let me put it this way I was prepared to wear the car
tyres were but not another car being wrecked on me.
Today,
as in just now, I was re-looking at the explanation of the levels.
That
was it. I am tired of having my back against the proverbial “Out
house door”. A decision is now made. I am going to get a personal
loan from a financial institution of $11,000.00. This is to make sure
that I have access to the complete total Elite system and the Black
level commissions for all my life.
Last
night, while walking the dog with a friend and his dog, I heard his
business venture. Having spoken with him about what I was doing I
realised that there was very subtle and compellingly positive
invitations being sent out to trust in his judgement of my
capabilities.
On
the surface these sound good. But scratch the surface and it is a one
way conversion flow.
Am
I prepared to accept this as well.
The
answer is no. This is my life I am talking about. My beliefs I would
be giving away once again.
As
part of this belief factor there are two things I am placing on my to
do list. Today’s to do list. Over and above the 'Ask, Believe and
Receive'. I am actioning this today. I have just written the previous
sentences. Here is what is happening. A massive electrical jot has
just given me the tingles and it is still occurring. Rushing around
and around and through my body, my mind and my belief system. I am
literally on fire. The decision I have made: This is the right
decision, pathway and journey. I have made.
I
am asking from my bank . A financial institution. For a loan of the
finances needed. I am taking ownership of My Incredible Journey. I am
finishing what I started. I am grateful for all the lessons I have
learned in my life to this date as these are making me move forward
in a fully committed belief win my self, trust My Mentor [Mark Ford],
My business coach [ Martyn] the SFM and DEA system, resources and
training.
Most
of all trust myself, my judgements and my integrity at all times. I
am tired of working out a way of accepting second best within my
life. I do my absolute best at all time And there are those tingles
again.
I
am placing the code in the [Part 1.4] Product & Pay-Plan Training
box. Have just done this. The feeling that I am experiencing is one
of remarkable achievement. I am taking my life back. I own my life.
Owning my life is my driving force. My motivator. That is what I have
been finding, hunting out for for 54 years, 83 days and 1 hours , 10
minutes years. That
person who is me , what she can and will be is my driving force.
This I know will not change.
No
I am NOT
Are
you accepting your circumstances as your reality? NO I am NOT
accepting defeat?
Next
thing I am adding to my to do list is today go back to the life style
exercise and alter is again adding detail after detail. Then more
detail. This reaffirms my living my Laptop Life Style as as this
builds into a further reality I do accept it for real. It is there
and I will take it into my hands and live the changes unlocked by the
ownership of my life, My Journey, My Potential, and My Future."
The
only problem to all this was reality. Parrots and the High
Functioning Autistic tenancies kicking in.
Yip
there was sensory overload kicking right in on top of the bottle nose
effect. I wanted to cry. Never once give up though. Nor
did I doubt that this is what was meant to be happening..
I
knew what I had read. Intuitively knew what I was seeing.
Understood at some profound level what was happening. Had
a ball just trying to imagine. Has to and still have to fight my way
through was is reality and which concept goes where. Just to
find out that what could be is a possibility if I could
understand how things actually word=k. Forgot to tell you I was
stubborn did I not?
Persistence
pays off. Even
just doing one thing at a time. Mark Zuckerman stated something
like" Just do little steps each day and soon there are 365
little steps completed" There is also a 90 day video
challenge coming up. Tried that video challenge and
something was wrong. A page of wisdom re making video was sent
to me. The word I picked up on was Keywords. Hitting a
brick wall one way I started researching another way... Google broad
word search has revelled many things as not the research was
unclouded and focused
Having
this research happening opened my brain to other circulatory. Now
I find that part of the bottle neck has been allowed to flow through.
And yes there is the personal delay factor of approx 8 weeks
happening all over again with training repetition and assimilation.
And the memory of high school exams and learning procedures.
Now
I understand what I am going to be doing. How I am going to do it.
What is practical. Where the focus on mine is going to be. And
so many other answers.
That's
business and that was going to be ... and was written about is now
going to be redone with determination and sent to the appropriate
person. I think you can feel the excitement this end. The
release that has occurred you have been reading about
In
summary
Is
this life a reality to a High Functioning Autistic person looking for
a way out of never ending repeatable action circles?
The
simple answer is that with the unmentioned support, friendship and so
many other factors the answer is a positive yes. All it takes
is you to realise that you are ready, and that means never giving up
on yourself, your mind and your reality change. If you really
want what is there then you will sort things out in order to achieve
what you want to achieve.
Go
for it.
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